Things I loved about this book:
Tom Christofferson’s recognition that his path is not the path for everyone, and this book should not be held up as the “one right way” to be a gay Mormon.
I loved Tom’s plea that parents and friends to love and accept the LGBT person in the reality of their situation. Not loving if they behave as desired, but loving them in what is.
I really appreciated Tom’s willingness to share his very personal story, and hope that church leaders and family members of LGBT individuals can learn how to be loving and supportive.
Things I am concerned about with this book:
Despite Tom’s multiple reminders that each person has to find their own path, and his is not the one right way, I am concerned that people will see this and use it as a weapon against gay Mormons who aren’t humbly approaching their leaders, or who feel hurt and angry, or who don’t have the desire or energy to make their way back.
I think this book will be most useful for family members and maybe church leaders to see how they can better love. I also really appreciated how Tom’s bishop and stake president didn’t push him or put conditions on him, but welcomed him and loved him, and let him set his own pace without an agenda or end goal in sight.
I was able to attend an interview with Tom, his former bishop, Bruce Larson, and former stake president, Dave Checketts. One question I asked was how their experience could be replicated throughout the church. While making it clear that their experience wasn’t meant to be THE pattern, they did have some ideas on what other leaders could do to improve their own relationships with LGBTQ members in their own stake and ward boundaries.
First, Bruce Larson encouraged open dialogue. So often when we are uncomfortable with a topic, or unsure of what to say, we close ourselves off, when what we really need is to be more willing to talk to each other. Tom shared that it’s about love. Love is primary. He cited Matthew 22:37-40,
37 Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind.
38 This is the first and great commandment.
39 And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.
40 On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.
Sometimes we get it backwards, that the law and the prophets are our primary considerations, but it should be love, and if we can love God and our fellow men and women, then the law and prophets will follow. Maybe more in a bottom up approach to change.
One of the other things that Tom said that was really helpful for him, was that Bishop Larson and President Checketts loved him without an agenda for his involvement in their ward/stake. Tom said they never pushed him, but allowed him to dictate his own path, even if it never led to his rebaptism. They loved him, as I talked about before, in the reality of of his life without trying to change him.
The elephant in the room during the media Q&A was of course, the policy and Elder Oaks’ recent statements, particularly where he quoted President Monson on rejecting that which does not conform to our values. I appreciated Tom being willing to state that he himself does not have a clear way to reconcile the policy yet, but that for him, his relationship with his Savior, and his personal revelation was primary. Sometimes the message we get at church is that personal revelation is primary as long as it confirms what church leaders have said. I appreciated Tom’s willingness to state that his personal revelation has been the first source of guidance.
Bruce Larson also stated that he felt guided as a bishop to make sure he was never a road block to making Tom feel welcome in the ward. I think there are already so many roadblocks for making welcoming spaces for LGBTQ individuals, that I appreciate the concept of doing what we can each do on an individual level to avoid being a roadblock ourselves, and within the spheres of our influence.
Some of the book read like a conference talk, but Tom’s heartfelt love for the gospel and for his LGBTQ family are clear. I hope that this book isn’t used to push one right way to be a gay Mormon, and I hope that the greatest takeaway is to love without agenda. And I hope, as Tom stated, that love creates change from the bottom up, because boy do we need it.