Often, in the name of being “nice” we drift into passive aggressive territory. Perhaps it becomes so natural to us that we don’t even notice we’re doing it. I read this book a few months ago and found it so helpful for me in thinking a little more about my communication style and how effective it is.
Dr. Hanks discusses how women are often conditioned to care for others at the expense of caring for themselves and presents a new paradigm for women to be assertive and get their needs met, not only so they can better meet the needs of those around them (like the oxygen mask on airplane metaphor) but also because they have value as their own independent human.
I’d recommend this book to everyone- not just women. Below is a few of the highlights I took away from the book.
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Through her book Dr. Hanks uses attachment theory as a base and highlights five skills that she sees as critical for developing a healthy assertiveness style. First self-reflection, or the ability to recognize your own attachment style. This involves being able to see yourself and your patterns in a clear, honest way. Second, self-awareness. Dr. Hanks defines this as an awareness of your thoughts, feelings and needs…which result in confidence in your ability to express those thoughts feelings and needs. Third is self soothing.
Self soothing strategies help us access higher thinking rather than responding to others from what a professor of mine calls “panic brain”. Dr. Hanks uses the example of a woman working long hours in a law office while also studying for the bar exam. The woman finally heads to bed at one in the morning only to discover her neighbor loudly watching an action movie next door. As she thinks about her situation, she grows more and more angry, imagining storming over and yelling at her neighbor. She realizes this line of thinking wouldn’t end well, and instead soothes herself, validating her feelings of frustration and tiredness while calmly stroking her arm. As she physically calms down, she’s able to think through a plan to help her get what she needs while not damaging her otherwise good relationship with her neighbor.
When someone says or does something you see as wrong, it’s easy to jump on them with a list of all the ways they are wrong. We have probably all done this at one time or another. Dr. Hanks says that this response just leads to power struggles. An important part of assertiveness means that you are able to hold space for others to have different experiences, opinions or responses. It doesn’t mean you have to agree or give in. It just means you recognize that there are multiple valid ways for people to experience the world around them.
I appreciated this concept, because it’s easy to get overwhelmed and stressed, but being able to self-sooth keeps me from reacting to situations in ways that only add to my stress levels. This leads into the fourth skill, self-expression, and the fifth skill, self-expansion. I loved this last skill. So often I see people who claim that they are being assertive, when really they’re being aggressive. People don’t always differentiate, being aggressive can include pushing for your own needs but not always in ways that are effective.
Self-expansion means that you can look beyond your own values, beliefs or experiences and make room for other people to have different values, beliefs, or experiences. I think aside from the concept of self-soothing, self-expansion was the greatest “aha” I took away from this book. If I am secure in my own beliefs, I will be less threatened when someone else has a different belief.
Later in the book, Dr. Hanks gives names to the different assertiveness styles that provide a clear imagery for us as we consider our own style. The imagery was useful for me as I’ve considered how to have difficult conversations with others. She calls them the doormat, the sword and the lantern. The doormat is based on an avoidant attachment style where an individual doesn’t want to inconvenience others, and ends up being taken advantage of regularly. The sword is based on an anxious attachment style where an individual is always on guard to protect themselves from being hurt or taken advantage of. Quite often individuals who take the doormat assertiveness style lose patience with being walked on, and will explode with the sword assertiveness style out of frustration and anger. The lantern is based on a secure attachment style where an individual is standing firm holding a light out to illuminate their own thoughts, feelings, and needs as well as shining a light on the thoughts feelings and needs of others. She highlights that holding the lantern brings light and clarity to difficult situations.
The book had exercises in each section to help the reader figure out how that section applied to them specifically, and also to help them know how to apply the information moving forward. I appreciate the work Dr. Hanks has done to help women (and non women) communicate their needs more effectively.
If you are interested, you can buy a copy here (this link donates a small percentage of your purchase to fMh and helps pay our server fees, so thank you.)